I want to share my deeply personal, and unique story of coming out with you. Writing it down and telling my story is something that means a lot to me. I hope that by reading this, you know that you are not alone, and that others experience these feelings too.
My first crushes
In the last year of Infant school, I saw that some of my male friends were saying they fancied some women in the school, but I didn't really feel the same.
I first knew I was gay when Bucks Fizz won the Eurovision in April 1981 and I really felt drawn to Mike Nolan, and I felt I wanted to go to bed with him. I was 6 yrs of age and I told some people what I felt. I felt like it was something wrong and not right. I didn't understand why it was not right and I felt totally like the only one with these feelings. In the summer holidays in 1981 in St Anne's I felt attracted to a waiter called Andy. One afternoon I saw him dive into the swimming pool with yellow trunks on. I was with my mum and she could see that I was staring at him and I said I liked him.
My next crush was Christopher Reeve in Superman 2. I once wrote a story in which me and Christopher Reeve were having dinner and flying in the air and I showed it to my Mum and I remember her smiling.
In the last year of Infant school, I saw that some of my male friends were saying they fancied some women in the school, but I didn't really feel the same.
Being bullied at school
When I started Junior school I fancied girls but during the last year, aged 11, I felt preoccupied with boys of my own age. I used to think about boys my own age (11) and the thoughts carried on into High school. I got bullied verbally for years and years but I didn't tell anyone about it, people would say I looked like an animal and asked why I had dark circles under my eyes and nobody else. They said I had enormous sticking out ears and I felt very different from all other boys.
When I started Sixth form in 1991 I was frightened to go into the Sixth Form centre as so many older boys would call me horrible names. So I hid in classrooms. Towards the end of the first term I was really struggling with A level French, and I started becoming depressed at school.
Coming out to friend
“I told some other schoolfriend that I was gay, it was the first time I had ever told anyone ever! He was understood because he was gay himself!! And I was the first person he told as well!”
One of the bullies was a year younger than me and I really fancied him but for some reason he hated me. Later after the school year finished I told some other schoolfriend that I was gay, it was the first time I had ever told anyone ever! He was understood because he was gay himself!! And I was the first person he told as well!
Back at school for the final year I fell in love with a pupil a year younger than me (I was 17) and when I left school for good I was heartbroken to not see him again. He never knew me or that I felt so in love with him.
I went to university and felt really isolated and depressed. I couldn't do any of the work and just felt preoccupied with thoughts of men I fancied and their underwear.
Break down
My teacher training course didn’t go well, and I met a relative for the first time. I had a friend who I fancied, but they didn’t care about me. These events led to be having a mental breakdown, I was put on pills and diagnosed with autism. I was very well and happy until I had another breakdown in 2003. I felt desperate to have sex with men and I couldn't understand why everyone else had sex and I couldn't. I was medicated and got much, much better but still had this burning craving to smell men's underwear and have sex.
When I was 40 year old I had a crisis, I couldn't cope with being 40 and never having a partner and being single all my life. I felt so isolated.
Mum passed
My mum passed away last year and I am totally devastated but I am coping with the support of friends and I am getting through each day as best as I can.
My hopes for the future
I feel like the future is about embracing my kinks, and allowing them to be included in myself instead of keeping it separate through shame. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I feel that our emotions are totally fine and we can't change how we feel. The damage comes from feeling that we should be ashamed of how we feel when really, as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should love all parts of ourselves.
With being autistic I can't understand why other people don't have the same desires as me and I can't get to meet others who have the same kinks. I have never had the sex I want with a man and I'm now 47 yrs of age. It does help though that I can talk about it and this is better than keeping feelings bottled up inside. I live in hope that one day I will meet a man who I really fancy and who also has a underwear kink and that we can be happy with each other.
Compared to how things were in the past, I feel a very lot more hopeful about having sexual kinks. At Kalda, I feel included and amongst really lovely friends. I feel I can talk about things like kink more than I used to be able to. I feel like the future is about embracing my kink, and allowing it to be included in myself instead of keeping it separate through shame. As long as I'm not hurting anyone, I feel that our emotions are totally fine and we can't change how we feel. The damage comes from feeling that we should be ashamed of how we feel when really, as long as we are not hurting anyone else, we should love all parts of ourselves.
